Archive for the 'relationships' Category

This is the end

Dear Rice and Beans,

I don’t know how to say this any other way, so… I’m leaving you.

In the garbage.

I know it’s cliche, but: It’s not you. It’s me. I wish things were different. I love your veganness, and that you came from El Zarape, the best mexican restaurant in San Diego. I love that I met you at the CogSci beach party, and that I salvaged you so that you wouldn’t be wasted, all 20 pounds of you. I’ll never forget all of those happy nights we spent together, you in my belly. Staying up all night, laughing, talking about the fossil fuels we were saving by working together to keep me nourished.

But it’s been a little over a week now, and it’s hurting me to continue this way. Everyone said it shouldn’t last more than a day. That in the fridge you’re a breeding ground for bacillus cereus, and that I was a fool to keep you around so long.

I told myself no, this is different. We just have to be careful and use the microwave every time we do it. I kept thinking my love for you was so deep that it could overcome even the laws of biology.

But something changed in me today, and I realized that you might be the cause of this week’s mild sickness. Not full-on food poisoning, but my immune weakness. I hate it that we’re hurting each other.

I think this is better for both of us. In the garbage your bacillus cereus can flourish in a way that I could never let you flourish. That’s what you are meant to be. It will be hard to be without you, but I’d rather see you thrive out there in the world than be locked in a box with me.

Love Always,

Erik

Criminalizing heterosexual sex

Note: Sorry if you tried to comment on this post earlier and couldn’t.  Comments should now be available.

Yesterday on I Blame The Patriarchy, Twisty asked provocatively: what if all heterosexual sex were deemed a criminal act perpetrated by the male? What if “consent” was irrelevant, and all it took to get a man thrown in jail for rape was proof that he had had sex with a woman and testimony from her that it was rape?

You can almost hear the collective sharp inhalation coming from the lungs of men all over the world. I certainly had the immediate “what about false accusations?” reaction when I first read her post. “Think of all those poor innocent men in jail!”

But I held my tongue and trudged on through the hundreds of comments. It was a comment from “Cunning Allusionment” that started to convince me that there was some sense in Twisty’s Law:

That raging injustice you [men] feel about this hypothetical situation? That’s how women feel about the real situation. And given the fact that we’re [men] the one’s with massive institutions of oppression behind us, maybe we can afford to give up a little of that privileged security they don’t have.

In other words, yes it opens the door for injustice against men, but the current legal system so ridiculously favors men that said injustice is a small price to pay for the, presumably, massive gain in justice which will result from empowering women to convict their rapists much more easily. The number of rapes that go unpunished under the current system is disgusting.

[A minor aside: Cunning Allusionment is a man. Why is it that all the female arguments seemed less than reasonable to me, but his argument got through my thick skull? Is it that I subconsciously give men more credibility, or is it just that because Cunning is a man, he knows which parts of the argument men have a hard time with and is, because of his experience having a penis, better able to speak to those?]

So I am pretty open to entertaining even the strongest version of Twisty’s suggestion. What’s frustrating to me about the comments on IBTP is that people keep asserting that Twisty is making a much weaker proposal: that men should bear the burden of proving consent, rather than the courts requiring a woman to prove that consent was not given. That’s not how I read Twisty’s post. After all, she did say:

I grasp that, technically, the plan criminalizes all male participants in heterosexual sex.

That means even sex with a consenting woman is criminalized. Any evidence of consent, other than the testimony of the woman, would be irrelevant in the courtroom. It seems like almost half of the commenters on IBTP aren’t grasping the radicality of Twisty’s proposal.

But I think those who do understand the full radical proposal are also being short-sighted when they suggest that Twisty’s Law would not change the behavior of men who are already adequately mindful of consent and of their female partners’ real, genuine desires. Twisty herself says in a comment, “this law would change nothing for dudes who don’t go around raping women. Their lives would remain exactly the same.” (bear in mind Twisty’s definition of rape is far on the liberal end of the scale).

I don’t think that’s true. Risk assessment involves considering both the probability of consequences and the severity of consequences. If a man trusts a woman deeply and has clear verbal consent which was freely given, the probability of him being accused of rape is very low. Under Twisty’s law that doesn’t change. What does change is the severity of consequences if she does bring charges against him. Under current law, armed with evidence of consent he’s almost certainly not going to jail, and under Twisty’s Law he almost certainly is. And on days when such men are feeling risk averse, they will walk away from sex, even if a woman is asking for it, out loud. So even men who hold this standard for sex, which is the only decent standard under any law, will change their behavior. And the woman who wants to sleep with him will have to find something else to do with her time.

The one critique of Twisty’s proposal that really makes good sense to me from a feminist stanpoint is this comment from “Repenting”. She points out that the notion that women are incapable of giving consent equates women and children, and is strongly anti-feminist. You can read Twisty’s response for yourself, but the jist of it is that she never said women were incapable of giving consent, she just said that consent shouldn’t be the litmus test for rape trials. She seems to be saying that consent is a good thing to communicate between people, but consent doesn’t give a man the right to have sex with a woman. It’s her sovereign body, no matter what agreement she makes with a him, and it’s her choice whether his penetration is rape or not.

And again, the longer I dwell on that idea, the fairer it seems. But damn, that was a painful thread to read.

Awesome things to do in life #2: Stand up for your beliefs in a hostile climate

This happened way back in Feburary, but it’s still a shining example of awesomeness, so I’m posting it as the second entry in my series on Awesome Things To Do In Life. Dan Zwonitzer, a republican state representative from Wyoming, stood up against a bill that would prevent the state from recognizing civil unions. By doing so, he risked thorough political retribution from his party and his constituents, and that’s awesome. Even more awesome is his speech, which made me tear up a little due to its awesomeness.

Here’s the speech:

Thank you Mr. Speaker and Members of the Committee.

I am not going to speak of specifics regarding this bill, but rather talk about history and philosophy in regards to this issue.

It is an exciting time to be in the legislature while this issue is being debated. I believe this is the Civil Rights struggle of my generation.

Being a student of history, as many of you are, and going back through history, most of history has been driven by the struggle of man against government to endow him with more rights, privileges and liberties to be bestowed upon him.

In all of my high school courses, we only made it through history to World War 2. It wasn’t until college that I really learned of the civil rights movement in the 60’s. My American History professor was black, and we spent a week discussing civil rights. I watched video after video where people stood on the sidelines and yelled and threw things at black students walking into schools, I’ve read editorials and reports by both sides of the issue, and I would think, how could society feel this way, only 40 years ago.

Under a democracy the civil rights struggle continues today, where we have one segment of our society trying to restrict rights and privileges from another segment of our society. My parents raised me to know that this is wrong.

It is wrong for one segment of society to restrict rights and freedoms from another segment of society. I believe many of you have had this conversation with your children.

And children have listened, my generation, the twenty-somethings, and those younger than I understand this message of tolerance. And in 20 years, when they take the reigns of this government and all governments, society will see this issue overturned, and people will wonder why it took so long.

My kids and grandkids will ask me, why did it take so long? And I can say, hey, I was there, I discussed these issues, and I stood up for basic rights for all people.

I echo Representative Childers concerns, that testifying against this bill may cost me my seat. I have two of my precinct committee persons behind me today who are in favor of this bill, as I stand here opposed, and I understand that I may very well lose my election. It cost 4 moderate Republican Senators in Kansas their election last year for standing up on this same issue. But I tell myself that there are some issues that are greater than me, and I believe this is one of them. And if standing up for equal rights costs me my seat so be it. I will let history be my judge, and I can go back to my constituents and say I stood up for basic rights. I will tell my children that when this debate went on, I stood up for basic rights for people.

I can debate the specifics of this bill back and forth as everyone in this room can, but I won’t because the overall theme is fairness, and you know it. I hope you will all let history be your judge with this vote. You all know in your hearts where this issue is going, that it will come to pass in the next 30 years. For that, I ask you to vote no today on the bill. Thank you.

Awareness courtesy of Alas, a blog who got it from Pandagon.

Love, infinite source of questions

Is love a feeling or a process? Is being crazy about someone love? Or is love something that grows out of an ongoing relationship… an ongoing material entaglement? Does true love come from things you feel and know or things you’ve done and lived?