Men in conversation
I just came across an article on consensus decision making written by Bill Moyelri, which has a great list of behaviors men often use to dominate conversation. Even though I’ve been working on these things for a while, it reads like a laundry list of my personality traits to me:
Hogging the show. Talking too much, too long, too loud.
Problem solver. continually giving the answer or solution before others have had much chance to contribute.
Speaking in capital letters. Giving one’s own solutions or opinions as the final word on the subject, often aggravated by tone of voice and body posture.
Defensiveness. Responding to every contrary opinion as though it were a personal attack.
Nit-picking. Picking out minor flaws in statements of others and stating the exception to every generality.
Restating. Especially what a woman has just said perfectly clearly.
Attention seeking. Using all sort of dramatics to get the spotlight.
Task and content focus. To the exclusion of nurturing individuals or the group through attention to process and form.
Put downs and one-upmanship. ‘I used to believe that, but now…” or ‘How can you possibly say that … ?” Negativism. Finding something wrong or problematical in everything.
Focus transfer. Transferring the focus of the discussion to one’s own pet issues in order to give one’s own pet raps.
Residual office holder. Hanging on to former powerful positions.
Self-listening. Formulating a response after the first few sentences, not listening to anything from that point on, and leaping in at the first pause.
George Custerism. Intransigence and dogmatism; taking a last stand for ones position on even minor
items.Condescension and paternalism.
Being ‘on the make”. Treating women seductively; using sexuality to manipulate women.
Seeking attention and support from women while competing with men.Running the show. Continually taking charge of tasks before others have the chance to volunteer.
Graduate studentitis. Protectively storing key group information for one’s own use and benefit.
Speaking for others. ‘A lot of us .think that we should. . . “or “What so and so really meant was…”
It kind of reads like a laundry list of my characteristics, too. I wonder how that plays out in light of the gender difference? Do I do these things to keep up with those guys? And does that demonstrate adaptablility, insensitivity, or just a dominant personality? Does it make me just as much of a douche as the guys who do these things?
No, really, I wonder about this. I have been called a bad listener – mostly by a pretty dominant guy. I have been praised for being a vocal student. I have been called “alpha” and consider it a pretty neutral characterization (neither positive nor negative). I know I’m argumentative – is that just a form of dominating conversation? Or is it a function of being opinionated and vocal? Gah!