Men in the shadows
I just read this intense story on feh-muh-nist. I thought it was powerfully written, and started to write a comment saying how I thought it was powerful and beautiful, but I stopped myself. There were already several insightful and supportive comments from women and transmen, and I decided it’d be better not to add my voice.
I reel myself in like this with some regularity, for several reasons. In this case, I felt that to comment was to imply that the conversation is incomplete without a man-born man’s perspective. In other cases, I’m pretty sure that whatever it is that I am thinking about the topic is shortsighted. It’s more likely that I have something to learn from continuing to ponder what’s already been said than it is that the women readers have something to learn from my perspective.
I sometimes won’t post because I know my opinion is likely to change radically in the coming months, and I don’t want my ignorance immortalized. Other times, I just don’t want to convert a woman-only space into a mixed space, because I know how valuable woman-only spaces can be. And many women bloggers prefer to have as strong a woman:man ratio as possible, and I want to respect that.
I’m pretty sure that there are a lot of men who lurk in the feminist blogosphere who have learned that their role, most of the time, is to shut up and listen. Unfortunately, those men become completely invisible and the remaining commenters are men who think that it’s their job to help women figure out their plight.
The appearance, then, it is that men just don’t get it. But the truth is, all the men who get it have figured out that they’re supposed to be largely invisible. And new men who find the feminist blogosphere are left to figure out that their role models are unseen, which is a hard thing to figure out.
It’s a paradox.
I’m a feminist man who keeps to himself because everytime I’ve voiced support for women and female-oriented causes, I’ve been ridiculed – by women – who suggest I have an ulterior motive in my feminist beliefs. So yes, I do believe men like me should ’shut up and listen’ and hopefully one day be accepted for our beliefs.
John
John,
It sucks that you’ve been ridiculed. I hope you keep opening your mouth periodically, carefully, because there are definitely women out there who want to engage in dialog with pro-feminist men. I’ve met a lot of women in real life who were nothing short of enthusiastic about talking with me about feminist causes, and even online I’ve experienced quite a bit of generosity from feminist bloggers in responding to questions. But you have to choose your venue carefully.
And honestly, while I share your hope that the world gets less sexist and the need for between-sexes protection dies down. I don’t think accepting men should ever be a requisite activity in women-only spaces. Those spaces are for women, they don’t need to accept us, they’re doing important work without us, and allowing them that space is the only valuable contribution we can make.
It’s the mixed and male-dominated spaces where I want to do feminist activism, and I want to be satisfied with that.
And I don’t jump in on your conversations even though I can always think of things to say. You know me, hehe. Largely out of respect, but importantly because I am trying to be aware of why I ‘need’ to comment on your thoughts. When it is really about my own needs you don’t ‘need’ to be told.
Most women I respect want men to be equals; simply put, don’t ask me for anything you would not ask of yourself. Period. We should be laughing and joyful in each other’s space, sharing the wonder of the other. We are just dessert for each other. We each need to get our own entree. Do you remember Atalanta in Free to Be You and Me? The joy is running side by side…