Standing up against other men when they say or do things that I think are harmful to women can be hard. I had a long debate at dinner this weekend with a female friend and some of her male friends about the smacking of womens’ asses by men, and when it is “allowed” and when it is not. I felt outspoken in my belief that the situations in which a man should feel free to take away from a woman her right to choice whether her ass is smacked are few and far between. I think that men should simply never smack a woman’s ass unless she’s given unambiguous consent.
The argument for ass smacking was that some women are OK with it… even enjoy it, and a man should be allowed to give it a go, so long as he respectfully apologizes when his assault is rebuked.
I spent a half an hour asserting that the woman in question should be able to decide whether she wants her ass smacked, before submitting to said smackage, and I felt like I was alienating myself from my dining companions. I walked out of the restaurant feeling embarrased that I had so strongly disagreed with these people I had just met.
A few weeks ago I called out a close friend of mine for referring to Hilary Clinton as an “ice queen”. It felt derogatory and gendered to me. He said he only intended to refer to her chilly demeanor. I felt like it perpetuated the notion that all women have to continually affirm their sexually availablility. In my dictionary the term “ice queen” comes out for women who don’t show enough skin, women who don’t broadcast girlish heterosexuality, and women who refuse to be a “good sport” in the face of male oppression of women.
I still believe that, yet I left my friend’s apartment wondering if I had gone overboard. I believe him about his intentions, partly because I know he has a passion for eclectic, evocative turns of phrase, and that’s probably what motivated his use of such a colorful euphemism. And I find myself replaying the event in my head, wondering if I was taking an important stand or just being overzealous or even elitist.
Great thoughts, Erik. In my personal life, I’ve historically had trouble walking the line between being “the angry one” (also known as “the party pooper”), and feeling like I’m not standing up for my beliefs. I always have trouble finding the “most right” point on the continuum that begins at your perceived responsibilities as a human being, and ends at offending and/or alienating loved ones and potential allies. This post from feministing made me recall your words:
http://feministing.com/archives/007013.html
The context of “Ice-Queen” most likely refers to a woman that lacks the ability to feel emotions for others; she lacks the ability to empathize. This personality trait most likely stems from a troubled past along or lack of broad life experiences…in other words the woman has not been and does not try to walk in another’s shoes to understand someone’s situation.