Over the last, probably 5 years or so, I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of the way that conversations get dominated by men. It doesn’t take much… I’ve seen in happen in groups with fifteen women and two men. I’ve seen it happen in groups of three men and one woman.
And I’ve been learning how to push back in the opposite direction. There are little things you can do, like continue to make eye contact with a woman who is being interrupted, instead of looking to the man who is interrupting her. Or, shifting the conversation back to topics that a woman was pursuing after the conversation has been shifted by a man in a different direction. Or, simply, asking a question of a woman who has given up and stopped trying to open her mouth.
I think this is probably a pretty feminist set of strategies, but something about the whole notion of me facilitating women’s entry or re-entry into the discussion feels anti-feminist. Like it takes a man to let a women into the boys club, or something.
Maybe that’s just a necessary consequence of living in a chauvanist culture. Many women (some of my favorite women) already seize their strong voices and let themselves be heard amongst men, without the help or approval of any man. But much of our culture is pushing back in the opposite direction, which means men need to take notice and do what they can to change it. If we do, and if our feminist sisters keep on doing the same, maybe at some point we won’t have to.
While I think that these observations are astute and have seen them at play myself, I think there are other dynamics at work.
I speak freely in most groups now. I didn’t always. I was taught (probably not explictly) to wait for pauses in conversation and then interject. In addition to having to be patient, I also had to overcome quite a bit of personal doubt that I had anything constructive to say, or fight the fear that the first words out of my mouth would be ridiculed. Over time, the less I cared about the reactions, the more easily I was able to speak. While you describe your observations of women above, I think it is a role in conversation with which I very much identify.
In working with various groups of students this past semester, I noticed similar kinds of things arise with not just women but timid men and most international students. There are exceptions, of course (one who might be reading this), but I don’t think it is gendered as much as issues of power, confidence and culture. The setting matters a great deal. The same people who said nothing in conversations with a dozen other people opened up easily in 1:1 or breakout discussions with just a few people.
The eye cues are great techniques for including voices, as are direct questions to people you have noticed are trying to say things (or even those who you want to hear from who haven’t said anything).
Kevin Makice’s comment is spot on.
This is a fairly widespread phenomenon and Deborah Tannen writes extensively about it. She’s a social linguist. I’d suggest “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation”. There are definitely gender differences in conversation styles and these play out in mixed gender groups with very strong patterns, much like the ones you mention.
Jesse: thanks for the reference! I’ll check it out.
It should be noted that the actual title is “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation”. I know you probably used “Men and Women” because it’s idiomatic, but I just wanted to emphasize that our idioms often give men primacy.
Well ain’t that a kicker. There’s a certain unconscious pressure to order objects in speech — Macaroni and Cheese, Milk and Cookies, Meat and Potatoes, the good, the band and ugly.