Snowed In

One of the things I love about Google is that it can open some pretty amazing windows into a broad cross section of humanity. I’m trying to work on a paper for my Distributed Cognition class, and I tossed “this is what I wanted for myself” into my Google search box. This is what comes back:

Tomorrow, I will go out in Tel Aviv for a few drinks to mark the day, with new friends. In October I will go to London, then back to Brooklyn - and then? Back to Israel? Some other trip? Or a return to puttering? Regardless, this is what I wanted for myself; I think this is the life I’d choose if you gave me a list of lives and a number 2 pencil. After tomorrow, I will keep up my drift, living in 3-month blocks, staying smoke, until I find something, or someone, of such magnetic pull that I cannot be pulled away, something that condenses my disparate atoms into a cloud, so that I can rain back to the pavement.

This is the best blog I have read thus far and the most beautiful description of what a wife should mean to someone. This is what I saw from my own parents growing up. This is what I wanted for myself but did not get. This is what I get so pissed off and angry trying to explain to a partner who is older than me and from the South to boot!!

I was actually quite surprised by how quiet I was about being cut – I definitely was trying to keep it a secret from my “normal” friends. For the first time with my mods I was worried about how other people would see me. I was worried they would think I was maladjusted or unstable. The thought of my friends saying “He’s a freak!” was quite disconcerting. However, I thought I must go through with this. This is what I want for myself, after all I am just being me!

I joined the military because I believe in my country and wanted to serve. When I think of an American solider, I see discipline and honor. This is what I wanted for myself. I also thought that by joining the military, I would “cure” myself of feelings that society said weren’t natural.

I remember the frustration with myself during those earlier years. I would start counting my calories and exercising. My weight would fall. I would sometimes reach my goal weight and sometimes not, but it didn’t matter either way, because my weight would climb right back up after I grew tired of the diet. Today I am not tired, because I am not on a diet. Today my lifestyle sustains my weight at my target weight, without straining or paining me. For years this is what I wanted for myself. I just never thought I would have it.

when i needed you the most…you turned your back. when i called you, you didnt answer. now that Im losin my mind no one seems to care. you laugh and say aw shes crazy. no one knows what i know or feels how i feel. what if things were different. when i think of when i was little i try to remember if this is what i wanted for myself. regardless this is what i got and my decisions affect me and only me. ive lost everything that i have known. i have lost my friends and apparently my family. i have thought about my real mom a lot lately. i was asked “what would your mom think of you?” my answer to this is i honestly think my mom would be DAMN proud of me. i am surviving. mentally not so good to only be 18 but hey ill live. i often wonder why me? no one has an answer. then i realize that it was all me and my choices that got me where i am. i wish people would let me learn on my own and not judge me for the choices that i make. i mean everyone was a teenager once….did they not mess up? i dont do drugs, and im not pregnant…what more could you ask for? i have a job makin damn good money…so….